Menopause. Let's talk about it.
Calling all Husbands, fiancés, fathers, brothers, sons, uncles, nephews, friends, allies, supporters, men - what do you know about perimenopause and menopause?
To all husbands, fiancés, fathers, brothers, sons, uncles, nephews, friends, allies, supporters, men - if you’re like me you probably know of perimenopause or ‘the’ menopause, but how much do you know?
Pause for a minute and read this.
All women (Affecting anyone everyone who has periods12) will go through perimenopause and menopause. Meaning every woman in your life - your mother, wife, girlfriend, sister, niece, aunt or friend will eventually be affected.
The number of women aged 45 and older in the UK is on an upwards trajectory and it is estimated that there are currently around 13 million perimenopausal or menopausal women in the UK, equating to around one-third of the entire female population. Source: Wellbeing of Women
Thirteen million women is roughly 33% of all women in the UK. Let that sink in.
Career ending side-effects
Imagine being, in your mid forties and having (not wanting), having to leave your job, your career.
In March 2016, Madhu Kapoor resigned from her position in a British government department, where she’d worked for 23 years. She suffered from night sweats, heart palpitations and migraines that left her feeling weak and lethargic. She struggled to focus at work, and dreaded attending the regular meetings that were part of her job as a recruitment specialist. She lost all her confidence and thought she wasn’t good at anything.
Madhu shared how she was feeling with her leadership team, but didn’t get the reassurance or emotional support she was hoping for. Six months later, she decided to hand in her notice. Sadly, Madhu is far from alone.3
A 2019 survey conducted by the Chartered Institute for Personnel and Development (CIPD) found that three in five menopausal women—usually aged between 45 and 55—were negatively affected at work.4 BUPA found that almost 900,000 women in the UK had left their jobs because of menopausal symptoms.5
In a 2023 survey, UK workplace-healthcare provider SimplyHealth surveyed more than 2,000 working women aged 40 to 60. Twenty-three percent considered resigning due to the impact of the menopause, and 14% are said thy are planning to hand in their notice.6
Let me repeat, as a man, imagine being in your mid forties, struggling with symptoms beyond your control, not receiving the support you felt you needed and having to leave not just your job but your career.
Signs of the perimenopause?
Perimenopause is a natural biological process.
The experience is unique for each individual, with symptoms varying in intensity, duration, and type. The average age for menopause in the UK is 51, but it commonly occurs between 45 and 55. Yet for many different reasons Perimenopause can start as early as mid 30s - early 40s.
Perimenopause can last from a few months to a decade or more. Symptoms can include anxiety, mood swings, sleep disturbances, “brain fog” (difficulty concentrating), changes in menstrual cycle, hot flushes and night sweats, “freeze flushes”, headaches, dizziness, vaginal dryness, incontinence and bladder problems, weight gain, joint and muscle pain and difficulty sleeping.
Other side effects can leave women feeling depressed, experiencing mood swings, problems with memory and concentration and a loss of interest in sex,
Basically the effects are wide, varied and differ.
Why am I talking about Perimenopause?
Every woman you know, who has periods, will be affected.
My mom has been through it.
Pretty sure my sister has or is going through it (she lives 14,000 miles away, upside down).
Now it’s closer to home. Emma, my wife (although not officially diagnosed) has been going through perimenopause for (she believes) the last 12-18months.
My wife is a bright, smart, funny, intelligent, sharp-as-a-pin individual, or at least (in her words) ‘she was’. Her perimenopause is discombobulating, frustrating, painful and disorientating. Affecting her sleep. Blunting her sharpness, clouding her focus, muting her instinctive senses. She copes (or masks) it well.
Emma is a machine. A battled hardened and highly capable Four Start General of life, whose daily battle (on top of normal life) is a daily wave of chemical imbalances that she has no control over.
‘I felt I was cos-playing Emma Barnett’
The brilliant journalist and presenter Emma Barnett has a new podcast, Ready to talk podcast.
Her first episode interviews the equally wonderful Kate Thornton. In it they both talk openly about their own experiences, dealing with Perimenopause.
I urge all allies, supporters and men to download and listen. Here’s a clip:
The other side
As a partner, husband and man I/we I’ve been supportive, but if I am honest, I could have done that better.
If you make it about you, it’s really easy to feel neglected, abandoned, baffled, even alone in the relationship.
I’ve definitely done this, and whilst it’s understandable to feel these feelings - it’s not about you or me. It’s about her and what she is having to manage, often silently.
For example - in the last year my wife has stopped watching TV and taken to reading in our spare room, quietly, away from everyone. Emma’s always read a lot (on holiday, in the time it takes me to read 100 pages, she’s already read an entire book).
From listening to Emma Barnett and Kate this morning, and asking my wife about it - this lack of interest in TV or films is related to her focus. Watching something on TV is harder and less enjoyable for her and her concentration. But reading words, quietly, on her Kindle, is more enjoyable.
So I don’t pester, I simply respect her space and check-in now and again to see if she is okay. I also get to watch what I want, when I like - so, you know, win win?
Another example, my wife has ALWAYS been cold, but during the day, even on a warm September day, Emma would sweep in to the kitchen (my ‘office’) and fill two hot bottles to warm her up. During the night the complete opposite - waking-up sweating profusely.
As Emma (Barnett) mentions in her podcast episode with Kate Thornton, “Freeze-flushes” are a a very real thing.
So, do better Steve. Don’t semi-roll your eyes and say, ‘but, your always cold’. That’s not helpful.
We can all learn more about menopause, and how to support our loved ones. Here’s a helpful starter:
MEN-A-PAUSE - what can we (men) do?
We can evolve, improve, do more and do better. By we I really mean me, but you’re free to feel included.
Whilst walking my dogs this morning, listening to the Emma Barnett podcast I was thinking I could create a platform, with helpful advice, useful links. But really, there’s enough information out there already.
What I/we can do is try harder. Listen more, support and understand better. Which means informing my/yourself.
I/we/MEN can PAUSE. Stop feeling sorry for myself, feeling neglected or feeling like a victim of some emotional robbing. The real theft is in what perimenopause robs away from the women we know and love.
Start accepting and being more understanding to the myriad of mind-bogglingly challenging symptoms my wife is managing, often quietly, internally every single day. As Kate said, ‘being robbed of the woman she once was’.
Get menopause right for everyone - what can employees do?
“But when we get menopause right for women, we get menopause right for everyone, because we all have women in and around us in our lives, and they will all go through this. So I hope that these conversations help. Go out and do your homework.” - Kate Thornton, Ready to talk podcast with Emma Barnett
Almost nine in 10 (87%) working women want their employer to be more supportive when it comes to women’s health.7
It’s not just AI threatening the future of our jobs.
The UK workforce could lose millions of female employees unless more is done by employers to support women with menstrual and menopausal health symptoms, according to new research from workplace health provider Simplyhealth.
CIPD have released guidance on how to best support employees managing menopause - but it requires a sign-up I couldn’t get passed because it required a landline number (who has one of those these days?!). Their recommendations include:
develop a supportive framework and be clear on practical help that is available. This could include a specific menopause policy.
Offer a broad range of flexible working options to suit a variety of roles.
Offer employers the ability to control the temperature in the workplace
Make sure that absence management policies are fair and flexible.
Educate and train line managers so they are aware of menopause symptoms and organisational support.
Understand the value of simple adjustments to working environments such as ways to cool the workplace, easy access to cold drinking water and washrooms, and uniform adaptations.
I know Kate (Thornton) has some great ideas (we swapped voice notes this morning).
I’m going to turn the my skillset and talents of my partners at Human Services to bring some of our thinking to this, to help bring more of these conversations to the forefront.
If you know a good, reputable source for information (please comment with links). And sure, there’s search - you can find 10+ pages of search results online
Download and listen to Emma Barnett ’s new podcast: Ready to talk.
p.s. both menstrual and menopausal have the word men in it, why is that?
Chartered Institute for Personnel and Development (CIPD): Majority of working women experiencing the menopause say it has a negative impact on them at work